Tuesday, March 11, 2014

So.  Often life sucks.  Right now, parts are ok and parts suck.  My 17 year old is hurting.  Emotinally, spiritually.  You name it.  My heart is broken for him.  But here's the thing...I can't help him.  There is no positive change I can effect for him.  I love him desperately, but I can't help him.  He is 17 and now has to make his own choices that unfortunately affect his whole future and current life.

I am depressed and anxiety ridden.  I jump at every noise.  I get dry mouth and fast heart beats every time something *may* go wrong and cause a manic reaction from my husband.  I am SO tired.  I am SO tired of being tired. I am so tired of feeling afraid and waiting for the next shoe to fall.  I hate feeling down.  I sit in the sunshine to try to feel better.  I love the feeling of the warm sun, but it doesn't help.

What do I do? I have an appointment with a therapist.  Hoping for some therapy magic for me and my kid.  Both seeing her separately.  Also trying to get psychiatrist appointment because I feel pretty desperately in need of an antidepressant and anti anxiety drug.  Ever felt so down you just wanted to sleep for 12 months or until everything was ok again?  Do you think there would be an amount of sleep that could make that happen? I am such an escapist.  An avoider.  I avoid conflict.  I avoid confrontation.  I avoid anything that feels scary or bad.  I am tired of avoiding, but I still don't want the result of not avoiding either.  Maybe it would be like lancing a boil? All the bad stuff will drain out and then we can heal?  That's what I have heard.....but I don't know.  I trust nothing.

Praying for relief from this dark cloud over my head, heavy weight on my shoulders, iron anvil on my chest, ...you name it.  Just praying for relief.  Im praying for a good friend too.  She can't catch a break either right now and my heart is broken for her family as well.  Why is this world so sorry and broken and hateful sometimes??? Sin.  That's why. *sigh* Praying. Putting one foot right in front of the other, one at a time, a day at a time.....one crisis at a time.

1 comment:

Luke Holzmann said...

May God continue to give you strength, use these difficult situations to demonstrate His grace and redemption, and build you up even as you are torn down by the stuff happening to and around you.

May the peace go Christ fill you up on the inside today.