Thursday, March 27, 2014

My Manifesto

I will take responsibility for my own choices
I will answer for my decisions.
I am NOT responsible for decisions other people make
I will find joy in life
I will enjoy my children while they are enjoyable
I will love my children when they are difficult
I will appreciate my husband for who he is
 I will forgive even when not asked 
I refuse to be a victim
If I have to...I will fake it til I make it. 

Ok.  So here's the thing.  I had a very enlightening meeting with a therapist today.  She has been meeting with Branche for a few weeks and me for one plus several extended phone conversations. So heres the thing.  The people he is staying with have decided he needs to come home and have given him a dead line of this weekend.  We offered him to come home.  We offered him the same rules as at the house he's staying in.  He says he doesn't trust the written agreement.  Despite oversight of the therapist and accountability.  Oh well.  I am free.  The therapist managed to free me today.  The truth is, is that he is 17 and making his own choices.  Forcing him wouldn't work.  He has to be free to make his own bad/good decision.  If I don't let him now, it will be worse for him later.  I am free.  I cried for a while.  Then I decided since it was my birthday Monday and I was too sick to celebrate that today I would celebrate.  I will enjoy my two youngest.  I will love my oldest as he allows.  We are going on vacation for three days.  I WILL have fun.  I WILL enjoy myself.  and i will NOT be made to feel bad because he is making stupid decisions.  I love him. I can't live for him.  I have to live for me and for my littles and for my marriage.  :)

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

So.  Often life sucks.  Right now, parts are ok and parts suck.  My 17 year old is hurting.  Emotinally, spiritually.  You name it.  My heart is broken for him.  But here's the thing...I can't help him.  There is no positive change I can effect for him.  I love him desperately, but I can't help him.  He is 17 and now has to make his own choices that unfortunately affect his whole future and current life.

I am depressed and anxiety ridden.  I jump at every noise.  I get dry mouth and fast heart beats every time something *may* go wrong and cause a manic reaction from my husband.  I am SO tired.  I am SO tired of being tired. I am so tired of feeling afraid and waiting for the next shoe to fall.  I hate feeling down.  I sit in the sunshine to try to feel better.  I love the feeling of the warm sun, but it doesn't help.

What do I do? I have an appointment with a therapist.  Hoping for some therapy magic for me and my kid.  Both seeing her separately.  Also trying to get psychiatrist appointment because I feel pretty desperately in need of an antidepressant and anti anxiety drug.  Ever felt so down you just wanted to sleep for 12 months or until everything was ok again?  Do you think there would be an amount of sleep that could make that happen? I am such an escapist.  An avoider.  I avoid conflict.  I avoid confrontation.  I avoid anything that feels scary or bad.  I am tired of avoiding, but I still don't want the result of not avoiding either.  Maybe it would be like lancing a boil? All the bad stuff will drain out and then we can heal?  That's what I have heard.....but I don't know.  I trust nothing.

Praying for relief from this dark cloud over my head, heavy weight on my shoulders, iron anvil on my chest, name it.  Just praying for relief.  Im praying for a good friend too.  She can't catch a break either right now and my heart is broken for her family as well.  Why is this world so sorry and broken and hateful sometimes??? Sin.  That's why. *sigh* Praying. Putting one foot right in front of the other, one at a time, a day at a crisis at a time.