Thursday, March 27, 2014

My Manifesto

I will take responsibility for my own choices
I will answer for my decisions.
I am NOT responsible for decisions other people make
I will find joy in life
I will enjoy my children while they are enjoyable
I will love my children when they are difficult
I will appreciate my husband for who he is
 I will forgive even when not asked 
I refuse to be a victim
If I have to...I will fake it til I make it. 

Ok.  So here's the thing.  I had a very enlightening meeting with a therapist today.  She has been meeting with Branche for a few weeks and me for one plus several extended phone conversations. So heres the thing.  The people he is staying with have decided he needs to come home and have given him a dead line of this weekend.  We offered him to come home.  We offered him the same rules as at the house he's staying in.  He says he doesn't trust the written agreement.  Despite oversight of the therapist and accountability.  Oh well.  I am free.  The therapist managed to free me today.  The truth is, is that he is 17 and making his own choices.  Forcing him wouldn't work.  He has to be free to make his own bad/good decision.  If I don't let him now, it will be worse for him later.  I am free.  I cried for a while.  Then I decided since it was my birthday Monday and I was too sick to celebrate that today I would celebrate.  I will enjoy my two youngest.  I will love my oldest as he allows.  We are going on vacation for three days.  I WILL have fun.  I WILL enjoy myself.  and i will NOT be made to feel bad because he is making stupid decisions.  I love him. I can't live for him.  I have to live for me and for my littles and for my marriage.  :)

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

So.  Often life sucks.  Right now, parts are ok and parts suck.  My 17 year old is hurting.  Emotinally, spiritually.  You name it.  My heart is broken for him.  But here's the thing...I can't help him.  There is no positive change I can effect for him.  I love him desperately, but I can't help him.  He is 17 and now has to make his own choices that unfortunately affect his whole future and current life.

I am depressed and anxiety ridden.  I jump at every noise.  I get dry mouth and fast heart beats every time something *may* go wrong and cause a manic reaction from my husband.  I am SO tired.  I am SO tired of being tired. I am so tired of feeling afraid and waiting for the next shoe to fall.  I hate feeling down.  I sit in the sunshine to try to feel better.  I love the feeling of the warm sun, but it doesn't help.

What do I do? I have an appointment with a therapist.  Hoping for some therapy magic for me and my kid.  Both seeing her separately.  Also trying to get psychiatrist appointment because I feel pretty desperately in need of an antidepressant and anti anxiety drug.  Ever felt so down you just wanted to sleep for 12 months or until everything was ok again?  Do you think there would be an amount of sleep that could make that happen? I am such an escapist.  An avoider.  I avoid conflict.  I avoid confrontation.  I avoid anything that feels scary or bad.  I am tired of avoiding, but I still don't want the result of not avoiding either.  Maybe it would be like lancing a boil? All the bad stuff will drain out and then we can heal?  That's what I have heard.....but I don't know.  I trust nothing.

Praying for relief from this dark cloud over my head, heavy weight on my shoulders, iron anvil on my chest, name it.  Just praying for relief.  Im praying for a good friend too.  She can't catch a break either right now and my heart is broken for her family as well.  Why is this world so sorry and broken and hateful sometimes??? Sin.  That's why. *sigh* Praying. Putting one foot right in front of the other, one at a time, a day at a crisis at a time.

Monday, February 3, 2014

im done

Ok. Im done.  I am tired of the drama in my life.  Tired of having to constantly be forgiving.  Tired of never having my way without a major fight.  Tired of being dismissed as stupid or whatever.  Tired of not feeling normal. Tired of wanting to cry.  Tired of not sleeping every night.  Tired of having to be nice. Tired of just every single thing. I need relief. From everything. Just needed to say that.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Purposefully Thankful

I am in a storm of great proportions.  A personal storm. Involving every member of our little family.  Most days I am unable to look past the clouds, thunder, lightening, downpours…to see anything else.  I am consumed by fear, sorrow, grief, anxiety, hate, hurt, pain, name it.  I cannot control one thing in my life that is going wrong and causing all these feelings.  Nothing.  I am absolutely out of control.  Apparently, I cannot even control my feelings and emotions.  I try.  I stuff them down deep and smile and try to keep putting one foot in front of the other figuring SOME how, SOME time there will be an end to the crap. Right now I feel like I must be walking in circles because there is no end.  Bipolar. Rebellion. Screaming fits.  Moving. Accusations. Unforgiveness. Fear. Anxiety. School. Anger. Endless.

I am writing this post not to fill your ears with my problems or make you feel sorry for me.  But to force myself to think of the things I can be thankful for.

I am healthy, mostly.
I have a job.
My husband has a job.
We found somewhere to move to easily.
We found the money to pay for that.
We got a storage space less than 5 miles from our house.
I have heat….and wool socks
My friends (at a distance) still answer the phone when I call.
We have food and clean water.
We have clothes and a car that runs.
God loves me even when I don't know it.
I didn't have to serve on the jury today.

I need His peace.
I am trying so hard.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Life Is Not Always a Fairytale

THis is just something i started writing to empty my head.  theoretically it will be a series…unless I get distracted…..

No, I don’t have that new syndrome that is all the rage with the younger generation.  What do they call it? “Disney Princess Syndrome” or something, where the girl grows up watching all these unrealistic fairy tales with Prince Charmings racing to the rescue, perfect little babies, perfect little children, growing up to be perfect little adults living perfect little lives.   I don’t have that.  I never expected the Prince Charming on a white horse with a castle.  I wouldn’t have minded it, mind you.  But no.  I did not expect it.  I also don’t have that particular affliction affecting the entire Western world’s brand of Christendom where everything’s ok all the time.  Trust me.  It’s not.  No matter what they say.  I seek to be transparent in my life.  Always have.  If I’m not ok, there is a good chance that you will know it pretty quickly just from looking at me.  I refuse to answer the question, “How are you?” with “I’m fine!” just because that is the socially acceptable answer.  I will say, “Today I am surviving” if that’s how it is.  I admit that sometimes I do it because I feel just that bad and want someone else to be shocked or suffer too.  I know, not nice.  Sometimes I’m just not.  
So my adult life is not a fairytale.  I am married to a wonderful man.  I have three wonderful sons.  Not one of them is perfect or even close and neither am I. I have not been the perfect daughter, wife, sister, friend, or mother.  None of us are even close to what most people would refer to as “normal.”  There are so many new disorders, diseases, and problem in this world.  Everyone you talk to at least knows someone with one or two initials attached to a diagnoses.  Many families have the pleasure (and burden) of a family member with autism or at least considered to be on the spectrum.  My middle son is autistic.  This is not about autism.  Many families deal daily with the unique challenges of a child with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder).  My youngest son is ADHD.  This is not about living with ADHD or the new magic cure for it achieved only if you can get your child to eat only kumquats and kiwi fruit while standing on a magnet...on their head....during the full moon.  Wait...maybe that was the magic “cure” for autism.  Many more families than you even know deal with the unique pain and challenges caused by bipolar disorder.  My husband is bipolar.  But this is also not really about bipolar disorder. My oldest son is suffering from being a teenager, possible depression, and being my son.  But I cannot tell you how to fix your teen--if you know how please email me the answer because I have at least one needing a good fix.  I have alternately dealt personally with rabid PMS (maybe PMDD?), post-partum depression, generalized anxiety disorder (due to overwhelming stress in my life) and who knows what else. This again, is not  about how to fix any of that.  This book is about surviving and finding your life through the unique challenges and problems (because sometimes “challenge” doesn’t cut it) put in your life.  Maybe it is just about me rambling and ranting about my life.  I don’t really know.  Whether you believe the challenges stem from your choices or the choices of others, God burdening you to encourage growth or even punish you, or karma it does not matter.  We ALL go through crap in life.  I am a Christian, so much of what I say and have done to cope and survive will be colored by my faith.  Please do not let that discourage you from reading on.  I am not a preachy “life is peachy if you only believe” kind of Christian.  Scripture doesn’t support that.  Anyone who is, is lying to not only you, but themselves and they are doing our great and mighty God a disservice.  The entire point of faith is not in the peachy times, but in the fire.  He can, will, and has drug me through a mountain of crap.  I have always wished my prayers for relief were answered with supernatural disappearance of all stress and problems.  It does not work that way for whatever reason.  As a Christian who does not believe in a punitive, hateful God  who is punishing me for my sins (since scripture doesn’t support that view), I see these challenges and lack of immediate relief as His way of helping me rely on Him, trust Him for the answers, and grow me into a relatively mature human who can maybe help others survive this thing called “life” until such time that our time on earth is done.  But please, I am not writing posts full of scripture to try to change your belief system.  If something I say works for you, go for it.  My bullet fits your gun? Shoot it! If not, feel free to let it go.  Maybe all you can take from this is the knowledge that in reality, life is not a fairytale.  Every human you lay eyes on is suffering on some level and you do NOT know their story.  No one is perfectly happy and healthy and in tune with the universe all the time....some days we are closer than others and some days I would have been satisfied to just leave this universe. 

All of that being said, I hope you do get something from reading my ramblings and my personal life and suffering and joy and happiness and pain and despair can somehow help or affect someone in a positive way. 

Thursday, February 16, 2012


The book of James is tough.  He pulls no punches.  He pokes all of our sore spots.
If you cease to be changed by Scripture, and begin to only be "touched" by have become a "forgetful listener."

James 1:25 "But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing."

He tells us to watch our tongues:
James 1:19-21
"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of GOd. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls."

Did you know that the Jews believed that to lose one's temper was to "lose the shekinah?"  Lose the glory of God just for losing your temper.  Will that make you think twice before blowing up??? It will me! Because really, NOTHING on this earth should be worth risking losing the "shekinah" of God in our lives....nothing is EVER worth quenching the Spirit.

Master, help me live this today!!!