Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Purposefully Thankful

I am in a storm of great proportions.  A personal storm. Involving every member of our little family.  Most days I am unable to look past the clouds, thunder, lightening, downpours…to see anything else.  I am consumed by fear, sorrow, grief, anxiety, hate, hurt, pain, name it.  I cannot control one thing in my life that is going wrong and causing all these feelings.  Nothing.  I am absolutely out of control.  Apparently, I cannot even control my feelings and emotions.  I try.  I stuff them down deep and smile and try to keep putting one foot in front of the other figuring SOME how, SOME time there will be an end to the crap. Right now I feel like I must be walking in circles because there is no end.  Bipolar. Rebellion. Screaming fits.  Moving. Accusations. Unforgiveness. Fear. Anxiety. School. Anger. Endless.

I am writing this post not to fill your ears with my problems or make you feel sorry for me.  But to force myself to think of the things I can be thankful for.

I am healthy, mostly.
I have a job.
My husband has a job.
We found somewhere to move to easily.
We found the money to pay for that.
We got a storage space less than 5 miles from our house.
I have heat….and wool socks
My friends (at a distance) still answer the phone when I call.
We have food and clean water.
We have clothes and a car that runs.
God loves me even when I don't know it.
I didn't have to serve on the jury today.

I need His peace.
I am trying so hard.

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