im done

Ok. Im done.  I am tired of the drama in my life.  Tired of having to constantly be forgiving.  Tired of never having my way without a major fight.  Tired of being dismissed as stupid or whatever.  Tired of not feeling normal. Tired of wanting to cry.  Tired of not sleeping every night.  Tired of having to be nice. Tired of just every single thing. I need relief. From everything. Just needed to say that.

Purposefully Thankful

I am in a storm of great proportions.  A personal storm. Involving every member of our little family.  Most days I am unable to look past the clouds, thunder, lightening, downpours…to see anything else.  I am consumed by fear, sorrow, grief, anxiety, hate, hurt, pain, emptiness..you name it.  I cannot control one thing in my life that is going wrong and causing all these feelings.  Nothing.  I am absolutely out of control.  Apparently, I cannot even control my feelings and emotions.  I try.  I stuff them down deep and smile and try to keep putting one foot in front of the other figuring SOME how, SOME time there will be an end to the crap. Right now I feel like I must be walking in circles because there is no end.  Bipolar. Rebellion. Screaming fits.  Moving. Accusations. Unforgiveness. Fear. Anxiety. School. Anger. Endless.

I am writing this post not to fill your ears with my problems or make you feel sorry for me.  But to force myself to think of the things I can be thankful for.

I am healthy, mostly.
I have a job.
My husband has a job.
We found somewhere to move to easily.
We found the money to pay for that.
We got a storage space less than 5 miles from our house.
I have heat….and wool socks
My friends (at a distance) still answer the phone when I call.
We have food and clean water.
We have clothes and a car that runs.
God loves me even when I don't know it.
I didn't have to serve on the jury today.


I need His peace.
I am trying so hard.

Life Is Not Always a Fairytale

THis is just something i started writing to empty my head.  theoretically it will be a series…unless I get distracted…..

No, I don’t have that new syndrome that is all the rage with the younger generation.  What do they call it? “Disney Princess Syndrome” or something, where the girl grows up watching all these unrealistic fairy tales with Prince Charmings racing to the rescue, perfect little babies, perfect little children, growing up to be perfect little adults living perfect little lives.   I don’t have that.  I never expected the Prince Charming on a white horse with a castle.  I wouldn’t have minded it, mind you.  But no.  I did not expect it.  I also don’t have that particular affliction affecting the entire Western world’s brand of Christendom where everything’s ok all the time.  Trust me.  It’s not.  No matter what they say.  I seek to be transparent in my life.  Always have.  If I’m not ok, there is a good chance that you will know it pretty quickly just from looking at me.  I refuse to answer the question, “How are you?” with “I’m fine!” just because that is the socially acceptable answer.  I will say, “Today I am surviving” if that’s how it is.  I admit that sometimes I do it because I feel just that bad and want someone else to be shocked or suffer too.  I know, not nice.  Sometimes I’m just not.  

So my adult life is not a fairytale.  I am married to a wonderful man.  I have three wonderful sons.  Not one of them is perfect or even close and neither am I. I have not been the perfect daughter, wife, sister, friend, or mother.  None of us are even close to what most people would refer to as “normal.”  There are so many new disorders, diseases, and problem in this world.  Everyone you talk to at least knows someone with one or two initials attached to a diagnoses.  Many families have the pleasure (and burden) of a family member with autism or at least considered to be on the spectrum.  My middle son is autistic.  This is not about autism.  Many families deal daily with the unique challenges of a child with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder).  My youngest son is ADHD.  This is not about living with ADHD or the new magic cure for it achieved only if you can get your child to eat only kumquats and kiwi fruit while standing on a magnet...on their head....during the full moon.  Wait...maybe that was the magic “cure” for autism.  Many more families than you even know deal with the unique pain and challenges caused by bipolar disorder.  My husband is bipolar.  But this is also not really about bipolar disorder. My oldest son is suffering from being a teenager, possible depression, and being my son.  But I cannot tell you how to fix your teen--if you know how please email me the answer because I have at least one needing a good fix.  I have alternately dealt personally with rabid PMS (maybe PMDD?), post-partum depression, generalized anxiety disorder (due to overwhelming stress in my life) and who knows what else. This again, is not  about how to fix any of that.  This book is about surviving and finding your life through the unique challenges and problems (because sometimes “challenge” doesn’t cut it) put in your life.  Maybe it is just about me rambling and ranting about my life.  I don’t really know.  Whether you believe the challenges stem from your choices or the choices of others, God burdening you to encourage growth or even punish you, or karma it does not matter.  We ALL go through crap in life.  I am a Christian, so much of what I say and have done to cope and survive will be colored by my faith.  Please do not let that discourage you from reading on.  I am not a preachy “life is peachy if you only believe” kind of Christian.  Scripture doesn’t support that.  Anyone who is, is lying to not only you, but themselves and they are doing our great and mighty God a disservice.  The entire point of faith is not in the peachy times, but in the fire.  He can, will, and has drug me through a mountain of crap.  I have always wished my prayers for relief were answered with supernatural disappearance of all stress and problems.  It does not work that way for whatever reason.  As a Christian who does not believe in a punitive, hateful God  who is punishing me for my sins (since scripture doesn’t support that view), I see these challenges and lack of immediate relief as His way of helping me rely on Him, trust Him for the answers, and grow me into a relatively mature human who can maybe help others survive this thing called “life” until such time that our time on earth is done.  But please, I am not writing posts full of scripture to try to change your belief system.  If something I say works for you, go for it.  My bullet fits your gun? Shoot it! If not, feel free to let it go.  Maybe all you can take from this is the knowledge that in reality, life is not a fairytale.  Every human you lay eyes on is suffering on some level and you do NOT know their story.  No one is perfectly happy and healthy and in tune with the universe all the time....some days we are closer than others and some days I would have been satisfied to just leave this universe. 

All of that being said, I hope you do get something from reading my ramblings and my personal life and suffering and joy and happiness and pain and despair can somehow help or affect someone in a positive way. 

James

The book of James is tough.  He pulls no punches.  He pokes all of our sore spots.
If you cease to be changed by Scripture, and begin to only be "touched" by it....you have become a "forgetful listener."

James 1:25 "But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing."

He tells us to watch our tongues:
James 1:19-21
"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of GOd. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls."

Did you know that the Jews believed that to lose one's temper was to "lose the shekinah?"  Lose the glory of God just for losing your temper.  Will that make you think twice before blowing up??? It will me! Because really, NOTHING on this earth should be worth risking losing the "shekinah" of God in our lives....nothing is EVER worth quenching the Spirit.

Master, help me live this today!!!

Time flies...

We are starting to make our plans for moving.  We have filled out the rental application for a townhouse in Ouray.  I'm pretty excited as it will be much nicer and bigger than where we are now.  The best part?  TWO FULL BATHROOMS!!!! WOW! You just don't realize how much you appreciate that stuff until you don't have it. Living in a tiny house with 3 boys and a husband and ONE bathroom is actually torture.  Of course, it's a bit scary making all of these plans and STILL waiting on God for a lot of the "how."  I sure wish there was another way for Him to teach me faith, patience, trust, and all that.  :)  This is surely the hard way.

Church Plant

So, it's now common knowledge that we are going to be moving to Western Colorado to plant a network of missional house churches. I sort of hate to put it that way, because there are so many bad stereotypes or false ideas about house churches.  So, I could just refer to them as Missional Communities.  We will be calling them "Villages" once we get there. I am eccstatic about the move...except for the packing part.

If you are a praying person, then please join us in prayer for this work that God is beginning.
We need prayers for strength, wisdom, spiritual protection, clarity....you name it.  We need the prayers. If you are so inclined, pray for Ouray County.  God can and will soften hearts toward Himself.  Prayer is not part of the job or a supplementary activity...it IS the job. It IS how we join God.

Just for fun....here's some pictures of where we are going:

Hot Springs! WOO!

Park beside the Hot Springs. Sorry it's blurry. We were driving.

Downtown.

My favorite set of weird-os. 

Just read the sign.  It's funny. :-)

Some really cool bell. LOL.  No idea what it memorialized. 

The prettiest place on planet earth.

Outside the city of Ouray.  I believe it's referred to as Loghill area.

Walking up to a waterfall with Brad.

Waterfall from a distance.

Standing on the waterfall.  Wanted to get up on the rock by our heads, but couldn't do it with Carter.

Branche and Carter climbing down.

Rob getting ready to help Carter down.

Safter to sit and slide if you have balance issues.

Daddy showing Carter how it's done...and controlling the slide, it was steeper than it looks!

Rob and Roger crossing the creek.

Museum.

Town Hall, I think.  And the Fire Dept. 

me and my sweetie.

Oh i love him so! :) 

Ouray from the overlook.

Roger took this of us.  DOwn town.  Check out awesome mural behind us!

Oh yeah.  I totally get that.... :)

Be Thankful

I am thankful:


I am forgiven.

My God saved me.

I have three healthy kids.

My husband loves me.

I get to join God on His mission.

...that there was leftover meatloaf for lunch!

That I can feed my kids at least 3 times a day.


That we have a house to live in...that has walls, a floor AND a roof.

 That we are warm.

Thank you God for all of your provision.  Every day.